It's January 3rd and I survived my first surgical procedure. Today Dr. de Hoyo made an incision in my neck in order to biopsy one of the larger tumors in my lymph nodes. After the surgery, Dr. de Hoyo reiterated that he believes I have Hodgkin's Stage One or Two. The diagnosis will not be confirmed until the biopsy is read by a pathologist which hopefully will be on Thursday morning.
From start to finish my surgery/recovery lasted around 8 hours. I was sent home the same day and was welcomed by a crew of childhood friends who came with crayons, plato, gifts and music in tow.
Sam Barsh, a dear friend of mine from high school stayed up all night working on an original rap entitled "99 problems but a wig aint one". Not only was the song genius- and could easily be the theme song for the American Cancer Society- but he had a way of taking something that feels very scary and turning it into an act of empowerment. I have had a hard time with the fact that I will have to shave my head in 2-3 weeks. The idea of cutting my hair, and stripping myself of my femininity is terrifying. I have spent years growing my hair out to reach the middle of my back because it has made me feel womanly. I am scared of looking at myself in the mirror and not recognizing myself. I already don't recognize this body, and I am scared to not be able to recognize my face.
Without telling Sam my fears, he knew them. His song reminded me that I had choices, and that I could have fun with changing my look. I am meeting with 2 men who specialize in creating wigs for Cancer patients this weekend. I am nervous about facing this reality but I know with time I will start to own this new look of mine and somehow regain control.