What people don't realize is that the side effects from Chemo are in many ways indescribable. You could try to sum them up with labels that we commonly use ( like fatigue, nausea, dizziness, upset stomach)- these terms plain and simply do not do my symptoms justice. I am experiencing symptoms reminiscent of these common experiences, but at the same time, the way I am experiencing them is completely different and new.
Now that my symptoms have become more manageable, I feel emotionally ready to process tomorrow's big day.
Tomorrow, I am getting my hair did!!!!
My Chemo, EPOCH,- also referred to by Marc and I as EPOCH-Shakur is downright nasty with hair. She takes no prisoners. I have already noticed changes in my hair in the past week- it no longer has a lustrous shine, it clogs up the drain in the shower, and its looking rather lifeless. There is a 95% chance that I am going to lose my hair before the 2nd treatment which is on February 11th. I have two choices- one to wait for my hair to fall out in clumps- on Cancer's terms, or two- to take the plunge and go bald when I feel I am ready and able to.
I think there is a common misconception that cancer patients are fearful to shave their heads because of vanity. In reality, my fears have nothing to do with how I look- rather I hate what shaving my head represents. Losing my hair makes me feel victimized, vulnerable, weak, and it slowly and methodically chips away at my femininity. What people don't understand is that when I shave my head tomorrow- it will be nothing like what Natalie Portman, Demi Moore or Britney chose to do for movie roles, or in (Britney's case was the result of a manic episode).
This is different.
I have been dreaming about this day for the past month in hyper-color. I am petrified that I wont be able to recognize myself in the mirror and that I will slowly lose apart of myself in the process. Every day I fight to hold on to who I am. While my hair is not my identity, it represents life, vibrancy, health, and femininity- all of which are very much apart of who I am .
I am well aware that this diagnosis has profoundly changed me- in a way that is irreversible. The act of shaving my head, in some ways is the final recognition that I am no longer my former self, but a different version. I suppose it is up to me to determine who that person will be.
I am shaving my head tomorrow right before Cancer claims another piece of me. I cant let her take and take without putting up a fight. Tomorrow I plan to look Cancer deep in her eyes, take the plunge, and scream as loud as possible- I am bald and beautiful!!!!!!!!!!
In order to help make this haircut easier- one of my closest friends, Sam Barsh, decided to write me a song to help make the process a bit sweeter.
Sam, is a legitimate musical genius and has a magical ability to hold full conversations in rhyme.
The day after my surgery Sam came over with a crew of childhood friends to perform his rendition of Jay-Z's 99 problems. I swear this could be the anthem for Cancer patients around the world.
Happy Listening!
www.barshmusic.com/Uploads/
"99 Problems But a Wig Ain't One"
by Sam Barsh
If you havin' hurl problems, got some pot for you hon
I got 99 problems but a wig ain't one, hit me!
CHORUS
99 problems but a wig ain't one
If you're having hurl problems got some pot for you hon
I got 99 problems but a wig ain't one
VERSE 1
De-cember came, Jenna felt some pain
Went to the doctor, tried to get it contained
He took her in a room, ran a couple exams
When the results came, he said "um excuse me, ma'am
It looks like we found a little cancer in your body"
That could cause problems for a young Jewish hottie
Just, gotta be strong
Tell the cancer its wrong
Let it have its swan song
Then you get to live long tiiiime!
Soon you'll be to chemo
What Fallout Boy was to Emo
You're gonna win this thing, come out standing tall
With some penciled-in brows and a nice cue ball
But don't worry, theres a solution for that
Its called the wig store, and you should get there Stat
Buy 1, 2, 3 or 3 pair
Go traditional, or you could do some punk rock flair, Shit
I know what its like to be bald
I've been bald for years
I shed hairs like a baby shed tears
So bust out your credit card and have some fun
I got 99 problems but a wig ain't one, hit me!
CHORUS
99 problems but a wig ain't one
If you're having hurl problems, got some pot for you hon
I got 99 problems but a wig ain't one
99 problems but a wig ain't one
If you're having hurl problems, smoke some pot with me hon
I got 99 problems but a wig ain't one
VERSE 2
(So you're) Gonna be bald, but you gonna have options
The wig store, you know they gonna have some hot ones
Give you a fake hair inch, and you'll take a mile
Cuz can't nobody fuck, with that Jenna Benn style
If you need some idears, i'll hit you w/ a couple now
You could go Fergie Ferg, like a Boom-Boom-Pow
Or Jersey Shore, like a Paulie or Snooki
Princess Leia style, or Chewbacca the Wookie
You could burn up the streets like the old twin towers
In that Beyonce wig from Austin Powers
You could go Matthew Perry style and gel up your bangs
Or you could do dracula, black wig with some fangs
You could rock a fade
Like a young Dwyane Wade
You could even go Sinead
Say you cut it with a blade
Kardashian brown, Hilton blonde
Lohan red, or dreads and a grill like Lil' Jon
So break out the credit card and have some fun
I got 99 problems but a wig ain't one, hit me!
CHORUS
99 problems but a wig ain't one
If you're having hurl problems smoke some pot w me hon
I got 99 problems but a wig ain't one
...And if you're havin tuning problems i can fix em for you hon
I got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one.
--
Sam Barsh - performer, composer, producer
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BARSH ON THE WEB:
http://www.barshmusic.com/
myspace.com/sambarsh
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JESSE PALTER and the ALTER EGO
"Pay what YOU Feel" for the new EP! at http://www.palterego.com/
www.myspace.com/
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