After rescheduling 5 times, Marc and I finally were able to go on a 30 minute chopper ride around Chicago. It was absolutely breathtaking. It was a balmy 30 degrees, clear skies, and the sun was shining bright. I kept thinking in my head how this ride was really a metaphor for my relationship with Cancer.
Maybe this desire to regain control is not exactly the right approach. For the past three weeks I have been desperatly trying to find ways to navigate the world around me- which feels foreign and no longer familiar. I have tried to become acquainted with this body and she continuously rejects my offers to get close to her. While I can schedule appointments, reseach the disorder, and be proactive in utlizing my resources, I am quickly realizing that this does not satiate my desire for control. I need to come to terms with the fact that I do not have the control over my body, over my day, over my week, or even month the way I used to.
A friend of mine from Birch Trail Camp for Girls camp recently reemerged in my life a few weeks ago when she learned of the diagnosis. She herself is a Hodgkins stage 2 survivor who was recently married and is living what I can tell from facebook a very full life. She wrote me yesterday about this need for control and she told me how she had to learn the hard way that this wasnt really an option. She wrote "instead of being a coach, why not try being a player".
I need to learn how to do this. I need to learn to trust my doctors, to trust the process, to trust what is happening to my body. I need to trust that I am physically and emotionally prepared for this ( which I do whole heartedly believe) but I also need to trust that I am going to be constanly tested.
Today Marc and I relinquished control by putting our lives in the pilot's hands. We trusted he would protect us, and safetly deliver us home.
Today I was a passenger or maybe a player. Tomorrow I hope to remember what that felt like.