Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Hopes and Dreams, and Never Will I Ever

So here we are- 9 days away from the 6th and final round, the grand finale, the final send off.

And I am excited.
Really really excited.
Can't sleep kind of excited.

Aside from turning a an interesting shade of grey this round, my newest side effect has been insomnia. I haven't struggled terribly with sleep up until now. This week my mind has been waking me up at the crack of dawn with unusually creative ideas. I never really saw myself as being that creative, but apparently Cancer has an interesting way of reawakening parts of myself that have been dormant or never tapped into.

I wake up in the middle of the night with new choreograpahy, a new photography idea, a new topic to write about. I also have an ongoing list of "hopes and dreams" and a "never will I ever" list that continues to evolve and grow.

I thought I would share some of these ramblings with you.
(Please note these are in no particular order)

Hopes and Dreams
To get caught running in a rain storm.
To put my toes in the sand.
      To feel the sun on my skin.
      To smell Spring.
      To enjoy a glass of wine with close friends.
      To enjoy food again.
      To get lost in conversation.
      To eat healthy and move my body every day because its a way of life.
      To get back on the dance floor.
      To learn how to box.
      To run a 1/2 marathon.
      To raise 18,000 for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society.
      To organize a Twist out Cancer benefit to celebrate life, music and dance.
      To mentor another Cancer patient when I am ready.
      To travel often and with those I love and can't live without- please note this is a separate list entirely.
      To take photography lessons and master my SLR camera.
      To attend a Paul Simon concert.
      To figuring out what paying it forward means.
      To continue to work hard at strengthening my mind, body and spirit.
      To remember what feeling sick is like.
      To remember what fearing death is like.
      To remember what it feels like to have my life taken and then given back.
      To remember what hypercolor looks, feels, tastes, and smells like.
      To remember what G-d feels like.
      To be thankful for waking up.

Never Will I Ever
Never will I ever spend an entire day inside.
Never will I ever watch more than 2 hours of TV in one sitting.
Never will I ever go for a week without exercise.
Never will I ever go a day without telling my family that I love them.
Never will I ever not think of reasons why I am thankful.
Never will I ever think my body can’t handle it.
Never will I ever lose my voice.
Never will I ever forget what its like to be trapped in a  600 pound lady’s body.
Never will I ever forget what its like to struggle with a flight of stairs.
Never will I ever forget what it feels like to be betrayed my body.
Never will I ever forget what it feels like to be pitied.
Never will I ever forget what having no immune system feels like.
Never will I ever forget the power of the mind.
Never will I ever pretend to be a Cancer expert.
Never will I ever forget to breathe.
Never will I ever forget life’s fragility.
Never will I ever forget that in order to experience today I need to live in this moment.

What are yours?


  1. I can teach you how to box!

  2. That was a very heartfelt post....i find it slightly ironic. As i was reading it, i was watching the last episode of Scrubs, which is in a odd way similar to this post. I admire this post very much and i think the idea of forming a Twist-Out for Cancer benefit is absolutely spectacular and i will gladly help in any way i can.

    The last thing you asked was what are mine, there is a nice list, but here are a few.

    Hopes and Dreams:
    To become a Doctor and find a cure for any one of the horrible diseases out there.
    To find someone to love and spend the rest of my life with.
    To act and sing in one last play/musical.
    To keep my closest friends
    To travel the world and share it with the people i care about
    To start treating my body better and eat right as well as exercise properly and maintain the motivation to do so.

    Never Will I Ever:
    Forget what my mother means to me and how much i love her
    Forget that i do have the power to keep pushing forward and that i can conquer any problem that comes my way
    Forget that i am here to help people, not hurt them
    Forget that what has happened in the past has made who i am today

    Those are just a few of the things i wanted to share with you :)

    And by the way, when it comes to the photography. I will gladly help! I have a Cannon 7D SLR, i will definitely help out with any photography questions, problems, or concerns you have :D

  3. Sounds amazing, though I'd advise against boxing since it has a tendancy to mess up your hands overtime, and I'd hate to see any decrease in your writing!