Friday, April 22, 2011

Forget Pause- It's Play.

What I wrote earlier today was shit.
Shit shit shit.

I woke up this morning noticeably irritated with no explanation as to why.

My mom came in to check on me to see how I was feeling and I scoffed at her. She sheepishly closed the door puzzled by my reaction.  Note to self- staring at the closed door really hard, after rudely greeting my mother does not equal an apology.

On to my next victim!

I slowly ventured downstairs to find my dad staring at the computer, patiently waiting for 8:00 am to arrive so he could purchase Amos Lee Concert tickets for our upcoming family trip to Traverse City, Michigan. It was 7:15 am and he had 45 minutes to go. As he sat there staring, watching the empty seats, my blood was boiling.

"What a waste of time already!" I exclaimed as I ran off with my Kosher for Passover Honey O's.

Clearly something was up.

Why was I so annoyed? Why was I such a raging bitch?

My poor poor parents.

After I had some food in my system and I had calmed down, I started to think about what could possibly be bothering me.

Well- as it turns out, a lot.

Today I got pissed at Cancer.
Real pissed.

Throughout this journey I surprisingly haven't felt a lot of anger. I have felt sadness, loss, fear, and panic. But anger- not so much.

Today I got angry.

I was angry about vacations I had to cancel, work engagements I couldn't attend, weddings and baby showers I had to bow out of.  I was angry about the dates I could have gone on, the glasses of wine I could have shared with friends, and the conversations I could have gotten lost in.

Tonight I realized that while I may have missed some moments, I have created and savored many more.

I haven't been on pause- I have been on play.

Tonight I connected with a 29 year old Chicago native who was just diagnosed with B Cell Lymphoma and is about to undergo the same chemotherapy regimen.
We talked for 2 hours and I told her my story in the hopes that I could impart some knowledge and wisdom about what lies ahead for her.

It's one thing to write your story- it's another to say it.
Tonight it felt really good to share.
Connecting with her made me realize that while I have missed out on certain activities and milestones, I have learned and experienced what most don't have the opportunity to learn in the course of a lifetime.  The ability to answer her questions, calm her nerves, and give her hope, made me realize that I have not been on hold, I have been hard at work.

So I guess this is me apologizing for my shitty entry earlier today. The entry where I felt bad for myself, and started to complain about not being able to write my own narrative.  As it turns out I have been writing it all along, I just haven't been listening.

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