Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Patient and Patience.

I have been thinking a lot about patience.

The word patient lives within the word patience.

It is impossible to survive life as a Cancer patient without understanding the virtue of patience.

After 6 months, and 6 rounds of Chemo, I never anticipated returning to floor 16.

As I was preparing to reenter the world, after demonstrating remarkable patience, I was faced with the ultimate test and forced back into life as a patient.

For the last five days I fought for my life, fought against the clock and fought against fear and anxiety.

I had no choice but to draw upon all of the lessons learned from the last six months in order to battle the bacteria that had spread from my urine into my blood stream.

My life- my world, was yet again, there in my blood.

I prayed that my rebuilt immune system would know what to do, would know how to fight, would know how to protect me from unwanted invaders.

Not only did she know what to do, but she fought with an alarming ferociousness that caused the bacteria to cower in fear and evacuate the premises.  My immune system was committed and determined to protect me- and that is exactly what she did.

The bacteria Serratia that was found in my urine, in my blood, and on my port, was swiftly eradicated.

On Monday afternoon, as I left the hospital for what I hoped would be the last time, I was unable to control the tears and overwhelming sense of gratitude that I felt to be alive.

The last 5 days were without a doubt the most difficult of my life. I would even venture to say that fighting off what could have been a fatal infection, was more trying than being diagnosed with Cancer.

I am now at home in my apartment and on the mend. I am doing my best to manage the pain, and once again I am learning to embrace patience.  In some ways, the pain has forced me to tiptoe back into the world as opposed to sprint. I cannot jump back into the life that I used to lead, or into the life that I hope to one day experience.  Instead, I have no choice but to slowly, methodically, and carefully reemerge.

As I slowly creep out of the shadows, I look forward to dancing with you in the sunshine.

Until then, you can find me tiptoeing.

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