Sunday, February 6, 2011

Where Do I Fit?

It's been a week since my big haircut and the newness of my baldness has not worn off. When I look in the mirror I don't recognize this person- bald, with a hat, with a scarf, or with a wig. I admittedly have spent a lot of time in the mirror - trying to figure out who is looking back at me.  I still haven't figured out  who that is, or how I am most comfortable.

When I look at myself bald, there are moments when I see a woman of strength, a fighter, a survivor. And then there times when I look in the mirror and all I see is Cancer. I look hard, hoping to see something  different, but I realize I am unable to divorce myself from the fact that my my baldness represents being sick.

When I put on one of my wigs, there are moments when I see the playful, lively, creative person that I once was. And then there are times where I feel the wig is disguising who I really am, as someone that is fighting for her life, surviving Cancer, and yes- sick.
So where do I fit?

I love being bald, and also hate it. I love being able to disguise my illness and also feel ashamed when I do so.

How much of my identity is Cancer?

I promised myself that I wouldn't lose myself while battling Cancer- but it's hard.

Every day I wake up, I am unsure of how I am going to feel or how Cancer is going to present herself. I have had some days where she is but an afterthought, and others where she is center stage, hogging all the attention.

Is it possible to fight Cancer, and fight for my identity at the same time?

Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself. Maybe in time, I will figure out where I fit.  Perhaps not fitting, and owning this state of flux, is exactly where I should be.

1 comment:

  1. Yes! Your last statement is totally right on. I got from the point of hysterically, ridiculously BAWLING at the hairdresser (they even brought me wine and gave me a backrub) after losing my gorgeous long red hair, to (a few months or so later), feeling like I looked pretty normal/sometimes good in my wig, to now not even thinking about it. In fact I think of them of just an accessory, I have 4 wigs and I change them up depending on my outfit. I definitely miss having my own long hair, but the thing about chemo is that the hair loss is 100% temporary. In the meantime, you are really pretty, so even with a really short cut as it grows back, you will look like a model and not like a cancer patient. And it starts to grow back right away after treatment! :)