It's day 10 of recovery and I haven't recovered.
What happened to this round being easier?
Apparently the joke is on me.
Somewhere between Friday and Saturday my body decided to pick up the stomach flu or a GI infection, and I have been in hiding ever since.
After 2 full days of running back and forth to the bathroom, dealing with the shakes, and spiking a fever, I officially became dehydrated. I went in this morning to 21 for some magic fluids. Here I was on my day off, back at the hospital with an IV, hoping to be brought back to life.
I wish I could say it worked.
I am still struggling today. I feel run down, worn out, beat up.
Can a girl catch a break?
I was so close to recovery- I could taste it. A few days ago when I reclaimed my body and got rid of the 600 pound lady that likes to sink into the bed, I felt the sweetness of healing- only to be knocked down again.
And so it begins- the daunting process of learning how to pick myself up after being repeatedly knocked down.
This is without a doubt the greatest physical and mental challenge I have ever been faced with.
I certainly have overcome challenges in the past, but none as nasty, as overwhelming, as vicious as Cancer.
When I think about the trials and tribulations I have experienced in my past ( and there have been certainly some monumental ones)- I learned how to sit with my pain, reflect on it, forgive myself, and allow myself the time to heal.
I am learning that I need to start giving myself more credit in this process as opposed to focusing on the let downs.
So here is where I am going to pat myself on the back and reflect upon what I have achieved so far.
I have been fighting Cancer and living with Cancer since December 20, 2010.
I have endured 2 rounds of continuous chemo totaling more than 216 hours.
I have stayed in the hospital for 11 days.
I had an unexpected visit to the ER post biopsy for an an ulcer in my throat - of which I was not allowed to take meds for but eventually healed.
I had an Ear Nose and Throat specialist put weird tubing down my nose to check for permanent damage to my vocal chords.
I have endured 3 surgeries- one of which I was awake for.
I went through the ever dreaded bone marrow sample- and came out saying "that wasn't so bad".
I have had a Pet scan, 2 chest x-rays, an MRI, and a Brain CT.
I went through a month of fertility treatment, injected myself with shots four times a day, underwent surgery and harvested eggs so that I can bring life into this world.
I had a deep conversation about foliage with a green skinned purple haired lady while on Marinol- and eventually came out of it.
I have a central line that looks like a third nipple permanently lodged into my chest. I will set off security alarms.
I watched 6 patients die during Round One.
I bike 10-16 miles almost daily while on chemo and work out 3 -4 days a week when off chemo.
I meditate every day.
I pray every day.
I tell those that are closest to me that I love them every day.
I am not trying to show off- that is not my intention. By jotting this down, I am realizing that I have overcome so much already - so really how big of a deal is the stomach flu in the grand scheme of things?
I need to take a deep breath, remind myself that my body knows how to heal, trust that it will bounce back, and acknowledge that I am already a badass. I am not a quitter, and I plan to pick myself up, and continue to take this bitch down with everything I have.
I love my life to much to fight any other way.