The fatigue I experience post chemo is simply put- scary as hell. It is completely debilitating. Getting out of bed to go to the bathroom takes real mental effort. 3 days ago I was hooked up to a chemo machine and biked 16 miles- yesterday I could barely get up the energy to get out of bed.
My body is in a state of confusion.
Yesterday at least I was prepared for what was to come. I knew the fatigue was waiting to set in, I knew I was going to become very quiet, and I knew I would eventually come out of it.
After nearly 24 hours of being in it- the fog has now lifted and I am revived.
Last night for the first time I took a pill called Marinol which is used to stimulate appetite and help manage Chemo's glorious side effects. I lay on my bed waiting for the drug to take affect but was surprised by the delay. I stared at the clock, watching the seconds turn into minutes, and the minutes turn into hours. Time seemed to be standing still. I stared harder at the clock, logically thinking that by glaring at it - the hours would go by quicker, and that my rebirth would somehow happen faster.
It didn't work.
Somewhere between glaring at the clock and watching E- news on repeat- Marinol's magic, or perhaps curse- took effect. All of a sudden I was ravenous! I ate a full protein packed meal, followed by frozen chocolates, and then laughed at my mom for a good 20 minutes. She tried to understand what on earth was so funny, and I responded with deep belly laughs.
As my mom left me alone with my laughter, I then proceeded to have a conversation with a green skinned lady rocking a purple afro.
In my mind we talked about mother nature, the animal kingdom, and foliage.
It was deep.
I very quickly realized this drug was in full effect and there was just no stopping it. My mind was spinning, my sense of reality was dwindling, and I was becoming more and more silent.
I wanted it to stop but it continued for 6 hours. I eventually succumbed to sleep at 7:30 pm and woke up at 10:30 dazed and confused. I stayed up for another few hours trying to come back to earth and make sense of WTF just happened.
Once the drug wore off I managed to fall back to sleep until this morning. At 6:00 am I woke up, breathed deep, and realized my body was healing- really healing.
The body that I inhabit today is not the body I inhabited yesterday. Today I am strong, I am ready, I am present.