Thursday, March 31, 2011


I have been thinking a lot about tiptoeing- maybe because I have been doing a lot of it lately.

I tiptoe around my family and friends, because I am at times unsure of how to relate to them.

I tiptoe around my making plans, and looking into the future, because I am scared that it will all fall apart.

And most recently, I tiptoe around what it means to be in remission, because I am terrified that if I celebrate it- it will be taken from me.

So I tiptoe.

Maybe this is ok.  Maybe this is a thoughtful way to approach life right now. Perhaps I need to slowly feel things out, gradually reemerge, and learn to trust again.

One could argue that by tiptoeing- I am not standing still- and therefore I am making progress. Right?

When I first started this battle in December, I remember hearing about the refraction period that occurs for survivors once they enter remission.  For 29 years I have been on a particular trajectory, one that certainly had a number of twists and turns but overall was somewhat predictable.  Granted I could never have anticipated the success and failures that have ensued in my lifetime, but relatively, the high's and lows haven't been anything extraordinary.  I am not saying my life has been average- it has been far from that- but overall the obstacles and triumphs I have faced have been within the realm of "normal".

Cancer at 29 is just not normal.

On December 20th, 2010, the life course I was on changed forever. The person I was up until that point is still here- somewhere- but undeniably I have since been fractured.  As I try to gather the shards and put them back together, I am realizing that all of these pieces make up a new whole- a whole that I do not yet recognize but am starting to.  Maybe instead of thinking of myself as fractured, as broken, as in pieces, I need to think of myself as layered.

This last round as I tiptoed back into relationships, plans, dreams, and remission, I found myself experiencing an unexpected lightness and inner calm.  I felt in some ways as if my new self was being  unwrapped or unveiled.

Perhaps if I continue to tiptoe, and not sprint, I will be able to further expose what lies beneath, and really understand what it means to heal and grow.

1 comment:

  1. In my favorite guided meditation by Master Chou Kok Sui, The Meditation on Twin Hearts, he enlightens a blessing "From the Heart of God." And as I've read your musings I've felt like your path is being lit by your life energy, directly, "from the Heart of God". Your observations of your heart are so beautiful Jenna, so loving. Mia