While round three may have been physically easier on my body, I have taken quite the beating emotionally. Many of the issues I have been dealing with are too private to share, but have left me feeling depleted, profoundly sad, and confused. My body miraculously suffered little to no physical pain this round, but the scars I bear underneath my skin are very real and are very raw. I have been focusing most of my energy on healing my mind, my heart and my spirit- which has proven to be incredibly difficult given the fact that I am also fighting Cancer.
So what does healing look like when you are in the midst of a fight?
Can healing and fighting take place simultaneously?
Is there a way for my wounds to become the fuel for my fight in the next three rounds?
When I learned I was in remission I admittedly got lazy. I took a day off from Cancer and stopped practicing the rituals that I have made apart of my daily routine. I also stopped living in the moment.
I am disappointed in myself- really disappointed. I just spent the last 3 months training myself to live day to day, moment to moment, breath to breath- only to throw it all out the window when I recieved good news.
I went into the hospital for round three without focus. I was all over the place. I couldn't visualize my fight, I grew impatient, and all I wanted was to fast forward to May 10th when I will be hopefully released from the hospital for the final time.
I sat at home this weekend wanting to fast forward 6 months, where I am out and about with friends, drinking wine, enjoying life, and rocking an adorable pixie doo.
I stopped living in the now, stopped focusing on today, and threw out everything I had learned within moments.
Shame on me.
Its time to refocus, its time to get centered, its time to start preparing for round 4.
I spoke to my mentor and dear friend yesterday for a while. He somehow intuitively knows to call me when I need him the most. I still am unsure of how he does this- but its remarkable.
We spoke for a while about remission, about my changing values, my new perspective, and my gaping wounds.
He listened, and we talked through some ideas about how I can get centered here and now.
When you are unsure of whether or not you are going to live, it is easier to live in the moment, to appreciate the small exchanges, to be thankful for each breath. When you have the privilege of living, it is much harder to see the world in hypercolor, and to feel the overwhelming energy that surrounds each of us. So how do I reclaim this? How do I reconnect with that energy without having to be in a state of trauma?
In Judaism, there are 100 blessings we say daily- from food and drink, to peace and sleep. He recommended that I think about small things that I am thankful for as a way of trying to live more in the moment. So here are some of the small things I am thankful for today.
I am thankful that I woke up.
I am thankful that I am without pain.
I am thankful that I was able to watch the sunrise from my bedroom window.
I am thankful that I am strong enough to work today.
I am thankful that my mind feels clear.
I am thankful that this practice is helping me focus on the here and now and not 6 months from now.
I need to think about what my intention is for the next round. Do I need to fight the next round with the same gusto and aggression that I have in previous rounds? Do I visualize Cancer as out of my body or do I visualize her as hiding in the crevasses waiting to reemerge? Do I punch her out repeatedly or do I plan to beat her up emotionally? What does this battle look like this round?
I need to give some more thought to that.
I haven't been listening to enough music. Its one of my greatest loves and I have neglected her. I need to listen more, feel more, and maybe even sing more.
So thats my game plan for the next two weeks- blessings, intention and music.
Maybe my scars will start to heal, my head will become less cloudy, and I will be ready to Kill it in the Butt for round 4- and for that I will be thankful.