The Return of My Senses

During the 6 months of torture where my former-self was tied up, paralyzed, and disconnected from the outside world, I learned to escape-by dreaming.

Every night I hoped and prayed that I would dream because I needed the release, I needed the escape, I needed to connect with the person I had lost, and be introduced to the person that I had hoped to one day become.

In my dreams I was able to catch glimpses of my former self, and gain insight into my true-self, who was alive, present, and twisting.

As I danced from dream to dream, there was one in particular that reoccured night after night- that brought me happiness, that brought me calm, that brought me hope.

In this dream I would carefully dip my toes into the warm white sand, deeply breath in the ocean air, and stare out into the endless sea with my two closest childhood friends carefully situated by my side, protecting me, loving me, and nurturing me as they have for the past 25 years.

I could see, smell, taste, touch and feel what this experience would be like. Although my senses were slowly and methodically taken from me throughout treatment, they were returned to me in this dream-and in a heightened state. It was as if all of my senses had become magnified. The world around me was glowing.

This weekend, the dream that gave me happiness, that gave me calm, that gave me hope, became a reality.

After 8 months of being grounded, I finally took flight with my two closest childhood friends. As we carefully dipped our toes in the sand, deeply breathed in the ocean air, and stared out at the endless sea, I realized that it was their loving cocoon, their armor, their ammunition that helped me fight this disease with the tenacity in which I wanted to live. 

Their protection, their love, their friendship helped release me -allowing me to eventually reconnect with the world around me, and allowing for the return of my senses.  I no longer have to live in this dream to connect with my senses, but rather I have this sea of moments to remind me that the world around me is glowing.

Annie and Kasey,

As I danced from dream to dream hoping to escape the torture of my reality, you helped show me how beautiful life can be on the outside, on the inside, and in this moment.

Thank you.

Photo by Michele Prizant Kellner

Da and Mia, Thank you for opening your home, your hearts, your world to us. You reminded us that "one singular sensation, every little step you take...one moment in your presence, every move that you make" is always better when shared with those you care the most about.